[Twenty-sixth] SPILL OF EMOTIONS T.T

This is going to be a sad post. If you are feeling emo/stressed/frustrated, I advise you not to read this. Anyway, who is going to?

I am so freaking frustrated. Everything seemed so insecure for me now. Like I had any choice to make it better, so it just becomes worse by each day. I wished I could just be a loner, so I won't be bothered by all these unecessary stuff.

My two friends whom I am supposedly closest to are... not really close... so it's super difficult to mix around with them. They just talk among themselves, totally ignoring my presence at times. I know that my personality doesn't really match well with them, but who else can I "stick" on to if I don't follow them? I don't want to be hated again. It's sad. They share so many secrets between them. Maybe, I seem like a totally dull and shitty person. That's why they don't want to talk to me. Sometimes I really wonder whether they truly like me as a friend because I can't feel anything coming from them. I should try to give more, but I not that kind of person, so don't force me to. I once talked to one of them about this thing, we both cried and she said that she didn't know that her actions (ie "ignoring" me) would hurt me so much. This seems biased, but I just didn't feel quite comfortable when she told me all that. It seemed all fake. I wish all these care and concern they give aren't just pretences. But I can't put all the blame on them. Because it's all fault that I can't be part of them, that I am also putting a mask in front of them.

Schoolwork is crazy too. I have to admit that I am rather proud in my secondary school because my grades were better than average. But I think, that's just a small part of the world. The people in aj are seriously much much smarter than I am. I was too naive to think that everything would be so simple. I flunked my chem. 4/15. I never failed chem before. And I cried in the chem test. Hopefully nobody noticed. And someone, to rub salt into my wounds, said "cao mei zu" (ie the current generation who can't endure failures) I want to die already and he still said that (but not on purpose I hope) And maths... I think I am going to fail to. This can't get any worse.

Questioning about life...

What is the main purpose of us being alive?

To make as much money as we can?

So what?

There's no answer. So why should we even live?

There's no meaning in life.

So why should we study?

When we are going to die eventually?

Why did mankind break free from the primitive ways of life?

Although many things seemed to have improved, it has not been.

What is life?

Eat, sleep, drink, shit?


This is bad. I think I am suffering from mild depression because suicidals thoughts are floating in my mind and I always have the urge to cry whenever something bad happens, be it big or small. I am such a wimp. People will hate me for that and this is a vicious cycle. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Last words of the day: I am falling down a bottomless pit. I wasn't even crying as I was typing this. I am just numb and stressed out by schoolwork.